Low Blog Enthusiasm Blues. Also: HAIL MOTHA’ FUCKIN’ ERIS!!!

19 Jan

It’s always tough to get back on the pony after she’s kicked your sorry ass off. With over a weeks worth of boring fitness updates to plug into this thing here and little meaningful progress to highlight it with … well, you get it. I ran 35+ miles last week, some of those were good miles. I also lifted some weights and stood on a scale a few times. Other than that there really isn’t a lot to tell. How about some life news while I ponder the next step in this fitness chronicle? Yes, thank you, that does sound good.


As of a couple of days ago I now have a totally bitchin’ Mohawk, so I think it’s pretty obvious some things are going to be changing for me. Sometimes you have to let Eris borrow the car. You do. I knew that as a young man and am relearning it today. While my wife and daughter were visiting family in Florida this last week I had the privilege of going out drinking with some super-cool black dudes. And while yes that last statement might be considered just left of racist (On MLK parade day no less), I can report back that it was both something I’ve never done before and an extremely refreshing experience. Now as Mohawks go that’s neither here-nor-there – just another seemingly random thing I did. Also none of my new chums believed I’d actually get the nuts up to take on such an absurdly dickish hairdo, so surprising them was also fun. What’s important is the never done before bit. I’ve had a little taste of that sweet and scary confection this past week and had forgotten how delightfully addicting it can be. Sure a Mohawk on anyone in this day and age, much less a 30+ year old man (errr … Croation woman), is sound evidence of a butt-fucking dickface. I get that. It is after-all half, or even a good deal more than half, of the outrageously pleasing point. But this must be acknowledged: Mohawks look cool on little boys and anachronistic punk rock chicks. Mr. T has pulled it off all these years because he’s crazy and willful. No other reason. If you’re not a child or an already pretty cute young lady who just discovered the Sex Pistols, excellent chance the Mohawk isn’t going to be a good look for you. I’m saying stuff.

So that (to use a Richard Dawkins coinage that I hate ) is the meme,  chaos. I’m a month off course of the true Zodiac, but Pisces owns my (h)air with her whirling fishies anyhow. She being the many splendo(u)red sign of change, and the last of the always formidable water Nyads. It should be seen as no accident that astronomers, both modern and otherwise, placed these powerful discordian water signs out in the farthest reaches of our known solar system when naming things that circle our star while spinning: Eris and Neptune. Out by the celestial wild west of the Oort cloud’s cusp, frozen but free.

That’s some excitingly frisky nonsense I just typed. Much better than: ran 6 miles today in blahBblah and :65436763546 seconds. Foot hurt, used ice. Speaking of nonsense, perhaps now would be a good time to go into my daily (Meaning 3-4 times per. week – whenever I say daily it should be understood that this is what I mean) spiritual practice. Yes, I’m also a very lazy guru. A spiritual guide of extremely limited magic and motivation. Remember, the only Zen you’ll find at the top of the mountain is the Zen you bring up there. Which also happens to be true of anything else you might carry and any other similar ascendable peak: the only cheeseburgers you’re going to find on top of your house are the ones you bring up there. See? How’s that? Half a paragraph deep and I’m already dropping some insanely heavy wisdom. Try this little quote:  “Don’t go looking for stuff where you’re not sure it will be. Instead, bring the stuff with you! That way you’re sure to have it when you get somewhere” ~Yosef Barbo Wow! I’m fucking nailing it today!!! That ones going in a book of quotations. Eat me, Winston Churchill! Get your fat, dead ass out of that tomb and enjoy the penis and butthole I’ve prepared for you in my underpants. Snarky dead cunt!

… but of course also a brilliant statesman. England did not become Germany Part Zwo, and that pompous dickface had a lot to do with it. Respect!


My current spiritual practice is very simple and rewarding. In fact, if you were so inclined to try it, you could literally start today without any extra preparation and probably have a pretty fun experience. Yes, I’ll describe it to you as if teaching it to you. While unlikely, the assumption is harmless. So this is what you’ll need for the practice, rapt disciple:

1. Between 15 – 30 minutes of absolute solitude. Good chance you’ll only need the low-end, but keep a half hour clear for safety sake.

2. A notebook and reliable pen or pencil.

3. A watch, clock or even cell phone; something portable that tells time.

4. A spot on the floor that you can sit.

That’s all you need. Easy, right? Now down to business.

The first thing you’ll want to do is assume the half-lotus on the floor spot you’ve previously selected.

Worried that you don’t know how to meditate? Don’t. Either nobody knows how to meditate or there is nothing to know. All I want you to do is sit in a position roughly similar to the clay monster above, with your eyes open (only slightly open if that is more comfortable for you) and your portable time keeping device positioned somewhere you can easily glance at it. While seated try hard to clear your mind of thought, but don’t get frustrated if that proves difficult. A good way to quiet a busy ego is to focus on breathing. Counting breathes can help. And even repeating something internally like: this is my breath going into me ‘1’ this is my breath coming out of me ‘1’ this is my breath going into me ‘2’ this is my breath coming out of me ‘2’. Sound tedious? Oh it can be, sometimes unendurably so, but you only owe 10 minutes to start so just try to relax into it. On a typical sit, if my mind and body prove responsive, I’ll lower my rate of respiration from around 12 per minute to 6-8, and my pulse will fall into the 50’s – even once or twice the high 40’s. I’ve also been able to disconnect my breath focus, but that took some practice so don’t worry about that out of the gate. None of that last shit is important actually, I’ve just recorded it for my own amusement. Ignore the bookkeeping, just focus on breath.

After meditating do your level best to get your notebook and writing utensil. Your mind and body will be slow to respond to these prompts, so don’t be surprised if it takes you a while. Once obtained, get back to your spot on the floor and write as fast as humanly possible for 5 minutes. This is called automatic writing, and it is probably the exact opposite of Zen meditation. There is really nothing procedural for me to teach you. Just try hard to lift your mental filter and pour out 5 minutes of handwriting as fast as you can. Everything you’ve got!

A couple of warnings:

A. If you’re doing the writing correctly your brain will put down some things without your permission, and some of those things you may not like. That’s just the way it goes … if there is anything to learn in the process it is within those dark secrets.

B. In all probability after meditation you will only be able to write at about half (maybe a little more) of your normal handwriting blitz speed. That can be very frustrating, but try not to brood on it. Any little hang-up like that can (not will, just can) pollute your output. You’ll catch yourself writing something like: whywontmyhandworkwhywontmyhandworkwhywontmyhandwork over and over again. Unproductive stuff. and if interest demands as much, you are of course free to do an automatic writing session without meditating first. You’ll find the experience much different, though no less rewarding.

So why do this anyway? Well, like the late great prophetic poet William Blake, I believe the entire point of a personal spiritual journey is to seek  the stuff people are made of, human fiber over the divine. I’m indifferent to the topic of god … or, no. That isn’t true. I’m very interested in god, it just doesn’t have a lot to do with my exploration. I believe that most people (myself heartily included!) have a limited understanding of who or even what we are – a troubling hypothesis on my part when considering how vehemently many in our world claim to understand the whimsy of our creator. However, unlike our lord, there are methods, or at least hypothetical methods, for discovering some knowledge of our inner-space. I believe my little experiment is just such a method and I’d like to offer a sample of my writing for your inspection.

Spoiler Alert: a large percentage of what is to follow will be utter Jabberwocky. I picked the most benign recent sample I could find, many of the others are highly sensitive and/or upsetting to virtually any and everyone. Also, to borrow Freudian jargon, this is really about gaining access to the Id while awake; ergo, much of what will be perceived gibberish to you is really something of a highly specific cypher to the writer (me). In other words, this example is a novelty. It can show you something like what might come out of you in this exercise, nothing more. Enjoy!

Automatic Writing: 01.14.11

What is automatic writing? The automatic, automatic? Is it coffee? Is it a coffee place? Is it a coffee and question mark place today? I am here on the floor. the carpet churns chocolate-colored snowflakes at me. I am on them as though falling. My notes are white against the milk chocolate spiral. I’m thinking in Tarot: King of Swords, Four of Cups. Penis and quadrilateral vagina. I have my watch and my coffee. I owe 5 minutes. This is thesis writing, automatically. I am on the ground and the pressure is slowing my hand. The pressure of gravity and an awkward body position combined.

I am a believer in the handwriting, the automatic handwriting. On a computer I would not be able to see how I’ve accentuated ‘ground’ and ‘vagina’. Also ‘accentuate’ and ‘a question’ have been altered. Though perhaps I just don’t write the word ‘accentuate’ free hand enough? It looks funny. Like a rolling centipede. questions!

So that’s automatic writing – 5 minutes worth a few days back.  nothing outlandish there … maybe 200 words, maybe less. Please give my experiment a shot and report back. I know you wont, but if you did I’d like to hear about it.

Alsoalsoalso, in closing and unrelated: two days ago I ran 17 miles pretty easily in 3 hours with a lot of stops (bathroom, coca cola). It was a great run and good confidence booster. That’s all you’re getting for fitness updates. Suck dog farts. Do it. If you don’t have a dog I’m sure you can borrow one. Grab that little beast, get to squeezing on his tummy, and play him like a squirming set of bagpipes. You’re a fart sucker, don’t let me tell you your business. Just get to work!

This blog is long and helps no one with anything. I am maybe 32 days from the Marathon … I’ll get back on that soon. Yes. That is my intention. Perhaps tonight even … perhaps not.

Good morning blogosphere!



What I did today for exercise, plus some very modest resolutions for the new year.

5 Jan

DAY 44/2: Tuesday January 4th

Gym: This morning I did some nice lifting, felt strong albeit hungry and slightly dizzy from the new diet.

Bench presses @ 160 x 3, 190 x 3, 210 x 6 (like yesterday’s, this is really showing two small warm-up sets and one serious test set. Hit 6 reps at 210 lbs, certainly not the strongest I’ve ever been but it was hard ass work and I came by it honestly.)

Alternated Wide grip pull-downs (120 lbs.) and push-ups, 10 reps per set, 5 sets of each, minimal rest between. Did them as quickly as my tired, aging body would allow and derived a lot of pleasure from the raw self-inflicted misery. And I also did some other assistance crap that isn’t really worth mentioning. Oh yeah, and I hit my new favorite: Tabata Bike Heart Attack Machine!

This video sucks but if you’d like a visual of what I’m doing on the bike, well, here ya’ go:

Running: 5.5 miles in 51:31, which works out to about a 9:25 pace. Today’s goal was to run half as far as yesterday @ roughly the same tempo, which, despite some heavy legs, I was able to improve upon without too much stress. A good solid run. And an interesting statistical aside: my running for the last 6 days (one of which I simply didn’t run at all) totals to almost exactly 26.2 miles (a marathon) in about 4 hours and 15 minutes. So if in the next 44 days I can figure out how to condense that work into one single effort of similar length I’ll enjoy a successful race day! Sound impossible? Yeah, well, like you don’t know everything, so there!

Body weight is holding at a cool 205, and my meditation practice is no longer … umm … well it’s a practice again, so that’s good. Let’s move on to New Year’s Resolutions.

Resolution Solution!

My good friend and blogger, mommyk8 holds an excellent blog down right there. Right where I’ve turned her handle purple back a few words. Click that and you’ll read of an ambitious woman tackling many intimidating trials in the coming year. She’s done this sort of thing in the past and it always proves an entertaining chronicle. Similarly my brother in-law, good friend, and also blogging enthusiast, B.D.J. has decided to throw his hat into the circle and post an equally ambitious list of personal goals to be had within the next 360ish days. As you’ve undoubtedly noticed I have also turned his internet moniker purple, thereby showing you how to read what I read. So if I’ve turned just one drunken pervert or Ryan Reynolds stalker onto either of these fine blogs I’ll know I’ve done good work today.

Okay, so another reason why I’ve highlighted my good pal’s blogs here is to illustrate by way of comparison how pathetic and easily achievable my Resolutions clearly are. A good example: I’d like to get my driver’s license. mommyk8’s going to write a novel, master stand-up comedy, and knit both sweaters and caps for everyone she’s ever met in her entire life (you can hold off on mine until next November or so – pretty warm here in Georgia.). Jeremy on the other hand intends to become a yogi, run 100,000 miles, and eat nothing all year he doesn’t grow with his own two hands out of his family garden. Did I mention both these turkeys already have their drivers licenses?!? Yeah!

So it could be that none of that is true. I can’t be 100% at this point. I mean the people are real but the rest is hazy. Check the links out and get back to me. Anyway my resolutions, I’ve only got a couple so here we go:

1. I’d like to read some new books and write a few reviews on this thing here. This is something I’ve done before and really got a lot out of it. And yeah, let’s shoot for 50 books. A number is a number. They help sometimes, they do. 50 seems like a lot. Will I hit that many? Probably not. So what? 40 and 30 aren’t very sexy numbers. 25 is okay, but I’d hit that in my sleep. Gotta’ try for 50.

2. I’d like to get started on writing my own damn novel and post some of that up on this blog too. This is also something I’ve tried in the past, but with less success. I’ve done a little math on my prose output and figure a solid rough draft will take me about 3 (maybe even 5) years to put together, so that doesn’t make a ton of sense as a resolution. Still, numbers! Numbers are logical, they keep you on track, force you to face deadlines. Hmmmmmm? How about this: one new prose post (as in new fiction) per month as a show of good faith that I am actually working towards a theme (if for no one but myself). That seems reasonable enough.

I’d add something about writing poetry and reading it out on the town too, but I’m going to do that anyway. See it’s not really a challenge because I already very much want to do it and am fully prepared to skip out on other more important things to continue with it, i.e. feeding and bathing the child. You can’t make a resolution to continue doing something you already love doing. Drinking beer and watching conspiracy documentary films on Netflix wouldn’t make sense as a resolution, which is really sad because it’s awesome and easy to do.

3. I’d like to get Crossfit certified as a personal trainer. I don’t even know that I want to become a personal trainer, but there’s a whisper in my ghost and it’s saying I need to go and check this shit out up close. So I’m going to try. I guess no numbers for this one though … maybe sometimes numbers are shit? I don’t know. Let’s just say by 1.1.12 I should have already gone and taken the course or I’m an awful liar. Yeah, I’m comfortable with that.

4. The car thing. Yes. You can all find something new to bitch about behind my back (har har!). I will strive to drive!

So that’s all I’ve got for tonight. Rereading my resolutions, they’re actually pretty lofty – I mean except for the driving thing; nearly any brain-dead, dip-shit teenager can do that. One at a time they’re not too intimidating but all together they really represent a lot of work. I imagine that’s why we gravitate towards this masochistic little ritual year after year. It’s thrilling, even in failure it is somehow delightful to review these lists. I don’t want to get into it too deeply right now, but there is something excellently satisfying about coming up short on something (doesn’t really matter what) and knowing at your core that it was entirely your own fault. A sick warm rush, like crapping in the bath tub! You are guilty, and as your punishment you must now stew in that poop soup!

Good night dear readers. It is late. I must now sleep. Sorry if this is all nonsense but proofreading a blog post at 3 a.m. is an asinine chore that i will not be participating in.





30 Day Crossfit Paleo Challenge (to coincide confusingly with my 60 Day Rocky Balboa Nightmare Ocean Bottom Band!)

4 Jan


the link should answer any questions you have about the diet pretty succinctly. That’s what I’ll be doing for the next 30 days, part and parcel for my fast approaching and perhaps well under prepared February Marathon. Will a strict caveman diet aid me in this great struggle or cost my dearly? Stay tuned for future updates on just that!

In other news, I had a real crap week of running. Totaled fewer miles all week than I’ll be expected to cover on race morning, so that isn’t encouraging. Here’s the rundown:

DAY 48: Friday December 31st

Running: 10k (6.2 miles) barefoot, best barefoot effort in a while. No music, no distractions, just me and several thousand foot falls. Thought a lot about form and turnover. Neither pushing too hard or too soft. A perfect run, and the only even adequate one I had for several days thereafter.

That evening I busted my ass wide open on one of the worst nights at the Pink House, ever! (both from anecdotal history lessons by coworkers and from my own limited personal experience) And subsequently got very drunk to bring in the New Year and beat down my job related angst. Good for training? Not at all!

DAY 47: Saturday January 1st

Did jack-shit for exercise and enjoyed a diet of Tylenol and antacids besides. I have nothing else funny to say … just didn’t do anything.

DAY 46: Sunday January 2nd

Running: 20 minutes of nothing, bullshit barefoot work. A lame effort with no good excuse behind it. Once again I can add nothing humorous or meaningful … I was very grumpy and did little.

Day 45/1: Monday January 3rd (Fuckin’ today, fool!)

First day of the Paleo challenge and my first night off from work in a long while. Was feeling good all day and very much enjoyed the clean eating. It is now 1 a.m., and I’ve had no serious cravings or difficulty with the restrictions. Also, I learned that sweet potatoes are Paleo; which proved an extremely welcome and satisfying addition to my evening meal. I’m sure you couldn’t possibly give a shit, but I promise you a steaming hot sweet potato is a huge step up from a cup each of raw carrot and fart igniting broccoli. Someday, when you begin your quest for a sexy midriff, you’ll heed this excellent if a tad boring diet advice and be well on your way to achieving my highly coveted and supremely sexy shirtless swagger because of it. It’s a dream you have, and a very unrealistic one, but not impossible if you do exactly what I say when I say it. This is solid gold, A+ shit I’m just tossing at ya’ for free. You’re welcome!

Gym: Nothing too insane. The usual crossfit warm-up that I like plus a few sets of Overhead Squats @ 70 lbs. x 3, 80 x 3, 90 x 5 (really two semi-heavy warm up sets and a max effort test. Very happy to hit 5 reps, I’m really pretty weak at this movement and that paltry sum represents a personal best.)

Also hit some leg extensions and leg curls, both @ 105 lbs, both for 5 reps and 5 sets, no rest between. Way too easy by the way, I’ll have to mess with that load next week. After that I did some other gay and very random crap that I didn’t even bother to write down – because apparently even me ‘in the moment’ thought it was lame – and hit another nice Tabata Bike session which are really starting to pay off.

Running: 10.5 (maybe even 11) miles in 1:41:53, and let’s call that somewhere in the 9:40-9:50 per mile pace. My target time was to go just slightly below 10 per., and I hit exactly what I was aiming for. Afterwards I did some very intense stretching and icing of the old ankles. Really took it seriously this evening and am excited to get a days worth of solid self-maintenance under my belt. Tomorrow I’ll attempt to keep that ball rolling, which reminds me: it’s tomorrow right now and I owe my anguished spirit a significantly neglected zazen plop down. No that isn’t street slang for scat play, it means I need to take 15 – 20 and get reacquainted with the higher me who’d just as soon skip watching every holiday restaurant goer in Savannah die screaming. You know, that guy.

So all for tonight! Tomorrow (hopefully) I’ll try to get some New Year’s goal type things up in this total-lack-of-reading-pleasure having bitch! Either look forward to that or suck a living cougars dick … either type, be it the famed and very dangerous mountain lion variety or an older but still attractive woman – actually, no, transvestite; because with the dick you’ll be sucking on my request we’re going to have to go she-male cougar – who has a predilection for much younger men, i.e. boys, i.e. you! Take your pick. Bring a male cougar to climax with your face and we’re square you and me. Done and done.

Sleep tight. Business is expected to lighten significantly this week at the Pink House, so with luck I’ll be able to cultivate a better attitude in correlation to its decline. Happy Fucking New Year whatever the case.



R.I.P. IPOD Nano

31 Dec

Over the last three years you’ve been a friend to me and more when I’ve needed you most! We’ve logged over a thousand miles together, from sorrowful death-marches to a thankless job through brutal Maine nor’easters, to epic 20+ mile training runs for my first ultramarathon. I love you, now defunct Ipod. And while that testament isn’t very Buddhist of me, I make it anyway without hesitation or embarrassment. You were easily the finest personal music device I’ve ever owned. The idea of replacing you honestly makes me feel a little sick to my stomach … where do you go from here? What place is there for you now that your light might travel to? I’d like to see you providing the soundtrack pleasure (with my excellent playlist) for retired Commadore 64’s and first Gen car phones, perhaps somewhere North of Eden, or some new diagonal invented by the god of egoless toys; a magical place of anthropomorphic semi-obsolete cyborgs,  where you may enjoy all the smart phone virgins you can eat! I’m gonna’ miss you, ol’ friend.

DAY 52: Monday December 27th

4 maybe 4.5 mile run w/ 3 x 1 mile intervals. Miles went as such: 8:23, 8:32, 8:35. Jogged at about a 10 min. mile between intervals. Ended up working a little too hard between sets and perhaps not hard enough on the actual sets. All in all though not a bad workout.

DAY 51: Tuesday December 28th

5.25 miles in 48:38. Little irritated with myself after this run. Once again I failed to pay attention to what I was doing and ended up screwing my pace. Was aiming for a recovery run pace of around 10 min. mile, in hopes of being fresh for a longish tempo run later in the week. Instead I accidentally ran closer to tempo pace and ended up having semi-dead legs the next day. Booooh!

DAY 50: Wednesday December 29th

Gym: Finally got back into the weight room. Did a nice hard deadlift workout:

I hit these numbers: 135 x 5, 195 x 5, 225 x 5, 255 x 5!!! (very painful) The rest of the workout wasn’t interesting – pullups, abs, yaddayadda. Nice to get some blunt force trauma on the ol’ skeleton though.

Running: Barefoot 5k, 29:10. Easy peasy puddin ‘n’ pie.

DAY 49: Thursday December 30th

Running: 1 mile @ 10:30 pace, very fucking frustrating! Had intense foot pain and searched all around the park for someone to rape and murder for revenge. Hit the foot w/ ice and heat as often as I could for the rest of the day.

Gym: Ended up having a pretty good workout despite failed running attempt.

Dumbbell military press: 45 x 3, 50 x 3, 55 x 3

Plus pullups and dips for time, and a gnarly Tabata bike session. Also attempted another sad little mile on the treadmill, 9:40 pace, awful pain.

So that’s a eulogy and a couple of days worth of exercise. My bodyweight has held nicely @ 205ish, which is good considering I’ve been drinking lots of beer and eating many sweets at work. Not tonight but tomorrow, tomorrow I’ll update again on a fun lil’ diet challenge I’m entering and some other related New Year’s noise.

So until then suck a  duffle bag full of fat ones!



Quick and Ugly!

27 Dec

The last 4 days I’ve done little but run, eat and work. This is the low down, quick and ugly. The holiday’s have no patience for blogger assholes.

DAY 57

Recovery barefoot run. 20 min., 2(ish miles) Nothing fancy.

DAY 56

Long run: 11.5 miles, 2 hours flat. This run wasn’t what it should have been. I was aiming for 12 in 2 hours and came up a little short totally by accident. should i be logging a more significant long run at this stage of the game? Yes, If I didn’t have a 10 hour shift @ an extremely busy restaurant directly afterwards. Conservative distance, conservative effort; and I’m still healthy because of it. No regrets.

P.S. Ended up running a little slower than planned because I was enjoying some excellent tunes on the ol’ Ipod and forgot what my motivation was. Listened to two hours of Joanna Newsome while running and enjoyed every second of it:

DAY 55

Barefoot 5k (3.1 miles)/ recovery, 30 minutes. Was a little hung over from a bout of post work rage drinking, and sliced the bottoms of my feet up on some nice ice patches in the shadow of the Live Oaks surrounding the park. Felt like a fucking werewolf and maybe even howled like one. Hard to know for sure!

DAY 54

1.5 mile run in 13 min. Very busy couple days, but had to get something in for mental health purposes … in fact, yes, this was Christmas! Jesus I’m all screwed up. Seems like a 1,000 years ago at this point. Christmas proved to be the 2nd busiest day in Pink House history. The first being this last Thanksgiving. So yeah, work was a 9 hour-long soul crushing abomination. The devil fucked my every hole, rung me out, and re-fucked them all dry. What more can I say?

DAY 53

No fucking running at all. I took a shower and thought about the life I’ve chosen.

The week’s summary: 31 miles in 5 hours total. A little shorter than I’d hoped. Probably another hour of running on top of this weeks effort would have been best, but shit, all-in-all not too bad. In the next week I’ll aim for around 40 miles @ about the same average pace – call that 9:45ish per mile.

So that’s what I’ve been up to. I realize this edition of my blog is shit but my spirit has been completely broken by work. I’ll try harder tomorrow, scout’s honor.


“… better to err on the side of caution”

22 Dec


10 min. meditation:

1 cup of coffee deep, and perfect a.m. quiet. Went to my ‘no-murderous-rage’ place and remained there easily and without interruption. Pulse: 53 b.p.m. (low but not surprisingly so). Body Weight: 206. And yes, that was slightly troubling. I was somewhat cavalier concerning my history with rapid weight loss yesterday. Six pounds in two days isn’t exactly a medical emergency, but it is certainly something one should be cautious about.  Some possible ideas:

A. New diet is the likely culprit. Change in focus to more fresh, whole vegetables has thrown my usual electrolyte balance out of whack. I very probably have consumed vastly less salt than usual in the last 48 hours, and because of this have probably dropped a few pounds of water. Added to that a few more frequent trips to the thrown via same vegetable villians and we have a neat little answer to a 48 hour 6 lb weight loss.

B. Aside from the water and/or intestinal refuse weight, I’m possibly simply not getting enough calories. New diets – in an ironic twist – often breed low motivation for eating approved diet foods. Hence, though you may be hungry, the idea of eating 2 cups of raw carrots and an unseasoned chicken breast just isn’t doing anything for you. Neither A or B are serious issues, though they require a proactive hand. If simple weight loss was my goal I’d ignore the problem until i suffered more substantial physical side-effects. But performance is my aim. I need to run, run hard, and get well from these hard runs so that I might then run hard again later. None of which is possible if you’re in caloric or hydration debt.

C. So it’s a slightly extreme weight fluctuation … stop being a fucking girl!

Those are pretty much the three theories I have so far, and because during this training cycle I’ve decided to behave like an enormous pussyfart I’m therefore ignoring option “C”; and taking immediate action against A & B. How did I do this? I ate some bacon, munched several clementines, enjoyed a savory cheeseburger (no bun),  had many handfuls of salted cashews, and drank an 8 – 16 oz glass of H2O every time I was near a thing that could provide me with water. The result: felt fucking awesome all day and ran like a warrior poet (which just so happens to be literally who and what I truly am) this evening. Now if tomorrow when I wake the scale reads 202 I’ll probably have to go to the E.R. and see about getting the worms removed, but as of right now I have no complaints.

With that covered let’s move forward into my many extraordinary athletic feats performed this day. Oh, but first a short query to you my loyal readers. Something I’ve been puzzling over all day – Ahem!

Q: What is the relationship between fitness and health?  Seriously I’d like to know what you think. Is there a direct 1 – 1 correspondence, are they merely strong corollaries, or is the relationship weaker than that? Is it possible that the ‘fitness industry’ is a complete fraud when it comes to true wellness? The answer seems obvious at first, but really think about it. I know that I defame you often, intrepid reader, but I really do value your opinion. Any feedback on this topic would delight me. I’m honestly undecided at this point.


Overhead Squats: 65lbs x 5, 75 x 5, 85 x 5

Machine leg extensions @ 105lbs: 5, 5, 5, 5, 5
Machine leg curls @ 90lbs: 5, 5, 5, 5, 5

Once again, those last two lifts were done in an alternating fashion w/ zero rest between sets.  Also managed another bike Tabata. starting to get the hang of them, though nowhere near as traumatizing as the treadmill variety.


Same exact run as yesterday only done almost 3 minutes faster. I’ll call this a tempo effort even though it wasn’t done at a true tempo speed. (For my current running level a good hard tempo run should be around an 8:30-[maybe]8:15 pace) So I covered 10k (6.2 miles) in 56:36. Call that a 9:00 pace, maybe a little slower. Not my best effort, but on heavy legs with howling dogs where my otherwise normal human feet should be? I’ll take it!

That’s all I’ve got for you. I can’t be writing short story length blogs ever fucking day. You get a fucking hobby, yeah, why don’tcha’!?! Here, please enjoy this music video at the minimum. I feel bad and want to give you something fun to at least look at.

p.s. listen to Larry Lelonde come in on the guitar at about the 0:15 point … jesus, it’s like he can’t even hear the other guys in the band. Maybe never even heard music before at all. They just found him in a cave somewhere and was like “come on guy who knows nothing, you’re the new guitarist for Primus!” If you had met me in 1993 I would’ve had a lot to say about this to you .



The Italian Stallion Countdown!!!

21 Dec

You know you have a blog statistics problem when you get visibly upset on a given day for only receiving 150 internet searches on ‘Ryan Reynolds nude’.  So enough.  This blog right here will just be a boring old exercise chronicle for the next 60 days leading up to the Gainesville Marathon(or actually more like 62 as of this writing, but that isn’t a very dramatic number really is it?). Our national Harvest festival is over and Christmas approaches post-haste! In the last couple of weeks I’ve enjoyed some great food with friends and family, had some very fine vino, and did some high quality sleeping and goofing off in the place of up-tempo cardio; but now it’s time to reign all that in and get back into fighting shape. My running has been slightly neglected thanks to my gluttonous tendencies and achy footsies (side-effect of kitchen work, sadly), but NO MORE! Time for the Italian Stallion 60 Days till Race Day Countdown!!!

But Yosef … you’re not Italian? Why not a German Merman Countdown? Or something involving Croatian she-males? Wouldn’t that be more accurate?  My answer:

Yeah! That shut your stupid ass up!!! I’m summoning the awesome power of Sly Stallone! Eat it Gainesville Marathon, you are about to become my very submissive bitch!

So long story short(er): my ‘hit whoring’ days are over for a little while. The next two months worth of posts will be more frequent, very likely shorter, and involve almost no genitalia content. Exercise, running, bodyweight, rep ranges, miles and pace – that’s my new devotional path, stuff the global populace usually isn’t googling while drunk at 2:00 am. Boring, un-fun shit. You get it.

So before the joyless nitty-gritty a word on diet:

I’ll be using the Paleo method with as few cheats as I can possibly get away with. Actually no, Paleo isn’t exactly right. I don’t specifically really know what the Paleo-diet is all about. I have a general sense of it, and I’ve just taken that general knowledge and applied it like I know what I’m doing … come to think of it that’s how I approach a lot of things. I’m an autodidact with a troubled past and shaky mental health at best, I don’t do form and  structure. What do you want from me anyway? Basically this is what I’ll eat: meat, vegetables, fruit, nuts, eggs, some cheese and uhhhh maybe a little salad dressing if I absolutely need the flavor. It’s an easy diet. Bread, pasta and potato are the only food products I really miss. Oh, and I drink coffee and water, some tea and maybe a little diet soda if my sweet tooth is going fucking nuts.

So that’s that. If you’d like a little more real info on the Paleo-diet look here: http://www.thepaleodiet.com/faqs/ I got time to teach you how to eat right, fatty? I don’t. Make your own less than 10-minute internet search and pretend you’re an authority!

My philosophy on dieting is this: probably any halfway sensible plan will work if you can stick with it. Ergo, the important determining factor when choosing a diet isn’t promised weight loss but personal conceivable execution. I like Paleo, it’s easy for me, it works pretty well – you do what you like. Once, a long time ago, I used the Fat Smasher Diet by Dr. Ian Black. And that was super effective and very unpleasant. I lost nearly 50 lbs in 90 days; though on even days I’d suffer profound, torrential diarrhea, while odd days offered a bowel passing similar to what I’d imagine birthing a Janesport backpack bursting with stone age tools might feel like. So if you’re prepared to pay that heavy a toll to shed a few pounds, do the Fat Smasher. I’m not. I’m getting old. I don’t bounce back from those kind of digestive molestation experiences like I once did. Paleo is slower but it works just fine, and you never turn around after a #2 expecting to find a bowl spilling over with fresh butthorn gore.

Now on to the gross motor chronicle:


10-15 min. meditation: Pulse a steady 60 b.p.m., ipso facto. Body weight @ 212. I meditate almost every day for something in the 10-30 minute range. It does good things for the brain and I’d recommend it for any and everyone. But who doesn’t already know this? Need a lecture on the oldest, battle tested spiritual practice in the world from me? You do not!


Dumbbell standing military press: 40 x 5, 45 x 5, 50 x 5

Wide-grip Cable Pulldown w/ 110: 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Body Weight Dips: 5, 5, 5, 5, 5 (before you start calling me a pussy, all reps performed alternating between exercises w/ no rest between sets)

Yeah, I know it isn’t a lot of lifting. Marathons are endurance events, guy. Shut your pie-hole!


1 mile @ 8:30 pace before foot pain. Gay bullshit. 10 minutes of hard intervals on the stationary bike followed by a bike Tabata that actually worked pretty well. I know, right? 1 fucking mile of running. Not a great start, Barbo! Way to suck a Cheetah’s dick on day #1!

Post-work/before bed half-assed attempt at something:

Iced the ever-loving shit out of my feet in the hopes of accumulating some decent distance the next day. Also stretched and did some choice ab bridge exercises. My usual time range: 20 seconds work, 10 rest. Figure 8-10 sets. Not awful for a late night,  garbage, mini-workout.

The Olde Pink House and my running aren’t getting along very well, but I’m being proactive and taking every available action to limit injury; which in my case would be ankle. I have faith in ice and mobility exercises, but, failing that, I’ll just have to rely on my inborn contempt for natural limitations and gut the marathon out anyway. Feet don’t tell the brain what to do! Chew on that knowledge, billion dollar field of Podiatry! Feet don’t have brains, only heads have those. Heads run the bone machine, faggot feet!!!


Running: (all late in the evening stuff tonight)

Easy 10k (6.2 miles) in 59:15, which i think is like a 9:45 mile. Felt really good, minimal pain. Could have pushed a lot harder. Also did a 10 min. squat sit a la Kstar of the mobility W.O.D., see here:


I know I’ve mentioned it before but this guy is no joke. He’s helped me a lot and if you’re suffering from any odd aches and pains in your meaty bits I’d give him a try. Right now he has 120 videos up. I’d be willing to bet one of those has something for you!

10-20 min. meditation: Rare that I’ll sit zazen so late at night. The house was quiet and I could hear my pulse tapping in my head like a tin drum. I took a minute to muse on that: how people like myself have sat in the night without thought but for the tapping of their own heart beat ringing out from somewhere in the center of their body.  Common numinous turf. A nice quiet idea before heading off to the even larger one we all share in dream.

Pulse @ 63 bpm. Weight @ 208, -4 from yesterday but I wont count so much as an ounce until I see 206. I’m a dude, and a largeish one at that.  My weight bounces up or down 5 pounds every time I see a food item. Nothing special here. Also enjoyed a very nice round of stretching and ice to foot time.

So that’s a blog! Perhaps tomorrow (perhaps not for a couple of day) I’ll update again. The goal is to provide detail on every day leading up to the big race – more of this type stuff. I’ll try to put interesting things in it too as often as I can … but really though it’s all just exercise. Ahh … shit, I’ll do my best.

Anyway sleep tight. I’ll be looking for you in eretz-Nod, somewhere east of Eden in about 9 seconds.